Category: Blog

It’s quite possible that the greatest breakthrough of our time is online retail. What could be better than sitting in bed with your laptop, in comfy pajamas, browsing around, seeing what you want, then click, click, it arrives at your door? This internet shopping thing is truly a miraculous invention. I admit, I took this luxury for granted. I forgot those days of trudging uphill in the snow both ways, balancing my purchases on my back, at the mercy of the limited in-store selection.

But never again will I treat the privilege of shopping online so casually. I will treasure it like a precious gift, a delicate glass unicorn like Harmony’s minions got her in that one episode when she decided she would be Buffy’s arch nemesis. Before the days when Buffy needed to know the plural of nemesis. Nemeses?

I have learned my lesson and I share it with you so you too, can treat your online shopping options like a unicorn. Or something like that. It’s possible I’ve lost the metaphor.

Yesterday, I decided to purchase a few monitors (OK, three) and a TV at an online site that will rename unnamed. I merrily browsed around, clicked the little add to cart buttons, entered my discount code, then my credit card information and clicked that magical purchase button. The entire process took maybe five minutes. And then it happened. The dreaded error page. The page didn’t make much sense, just vague wording about a temporary error and how calling the 800 number would make things all better.

I foolishly listened to the error message. In retrospect, I realize that what I should have done was run screaming as far away from my telephone as possible. Or just gone to Fry’s. But instead, I dialed the phone. And was sucked into an inner vortex of hell. It was like Dante’s seventh circle only possible with more boiling blood rivers.

First, the initial conversation to even get to the same point I had been at when I clicked that happy little purchase button was 35 minutes. I do not exaggerate. 35 minutes to explain what I wanted and then explain again, and then explain about the discount code, and then, and I am not making this up, I had to go out to my car, fire up my broadband card on my laptop, and read the URL that I ended up on after clicking on the monitor and entering the discount code. It is less fun that you think to repeat into your cell phone, “no, then a slash, then an ampersand, then a p and an equals sign. no, equals, right, then a question mark…”. It’s pain like I hope even my worst enemy never has to experience. OK, maybe my worst enemy.

And then after confirming my address three times and my credit card twice, I thought the pain had ended. But she called back no fewer than eight times. Was the address in fact correct? Yes. Did I want my confirmation code? No, remember how I asked to have it emailed to me because I’m driving? Oh right. And then she couldn’t get my credit card to go through for some unknown reason. And then it went through fine. It was a never ending cycle of misery and torment.

Then I did some online research (the second greatest invention of all time!) and found that my discount code meant that I was still paying about $500 more than average for the TV I had ordered. So I had to call back. You might think I could at least cancel online, but of course I never actually got that email with my confirmation code. The person on the phone then couldn’t find my order. Did I mean the monitors? No, actually I meant the TV. After 12 minutes on hold, she tracked it down. And why did I want to cancel? Well, the whole $500 more thing. That was a factor. And while I was at it, could I also cancel the mounting hardware? But why would I want to cancel that? Well, you know, since I’m not buying the TV now, I don’t really need the hardware. I only had repeat myself three or four times before she agreed to cancel both.

Finally, I was done!

Only not so much. I got another phone call. Why am I canceling my TV order? I said that I had explained this when I canceled. Yes, but I had explained that to customer service, and this was the sales department. They needed to know too! I asked, couldn’t those two departments just talk to each other? No, they had to hear it from me. Of course they did.

So, two days and a total of over an hour on the phone and I may indeed one day get my monitors. At least I can wait and hope.

Oh online shopping. Please never go away from me again. I promise to treat you with care and respect forever. Like a unicorn.